I am glad that I made that mistake.
Batman & Robin The Boy Wonder recalls the excesses and criticisms of Image when they begun, more style than substance. Given that artist Jim Lee was one of the founders, you would feel compelled to cite him as the cause. But no.
Frank Miller (or should I say: ****FRANK MILLER!!!!!!****) who any comic fan worth his salt knows is responsible for thegreatestBatmanstoriesintheworld Dark Knight Returns and Batman Year One (funny, no one mentions Spawn/Batman, and forgotten the lessons of Dark Knight Returns) has deigned to tell us another Batman story, like we've begged him to for years and years. As a result, "editor" Bob Schreck has approached his job the way a nerdy guy approaches a date with the cheerleader he has asked/begged/humiliated himself for to get: afraid to say anything when walked all over on lest the cheerleader ****FRANK MILLER!!!!!!**** is offended and leaves.
I know, gentle reader, I have merely cited the culprits so far, without a comment on the contents therein. Well, fret no further, true believer. I will now cite some of the reasons for this ode to...well, of all the comic books that came out this week, this is one of them:
We are introduced to Vicki Vale, and told in short, staccado captions that she is: Columnist. Gadly. Dictating. She's trouble. The kind of trouble you want.
Appropriately enough we are introduced to her on page 3, for as her British tabloid counterparts, she is scantily clad while Dictating. And drinking a martini. And as the five or so female readers we have left in comics would tell you if you'd quit hitting on them (and we'd stop you if literary classics like these were the exception rather than the norm, and doing a good enough job of driving them away) that on the occasions when they do have to work at home, they usually do not do so in a pink bra and panties, wearing high heeled slippers.
But one has different ways to arouse their muse because we're using the same old ways here to arouse the reader. Check out the bon mots our dear Ms. Vale is doling out. Imagine reading in your local newspaper. You see "Vicki Vale" in the headline, with a nice headshot (wearing clothing, one presumes) And you dive right in:
(Before we start on this prose you have no doubt been chomping at the bit to read, I should advise you that although I have decided to play editor on what you eyes are about to see, I have only limited my role to elimating a couple of curse words that would not be allowed in a family newspaper, and deciding that the phrase "Man of Steel" would be capitalized. It is hard to tell when all letters in a comic book are capitalized, don'tchaknow.)
- "So we've got ourselves a Man of Steel in Metropolis, and why exactly is it we call him a Man of Steel? That does bring certain thoughts to mind.
Man of Steel ? I mean, come on. Enquiring girls want to know.
So Metropolis gets a Man of Steel. And what do we get in dear old Gotham City? A flying rodent. Who doesn't even fly. A Bat Man.
I mean, how lame is that? This loser dresses up like Dracula and throws a few other losers through windows and we're supposed to swoon? I don't think so, masked manhunter.
Sometimes I despair, dear reader. Sometimes life seems to hold no meaning. They get a Man of Steel. We get a flying rat. What's a poor girl to do?
But a least we've got Bruce Wayne, here in Gotham. Bruce Wayne. Rich as Howard Hughes--and looks? Excuse me, do not get me started. The man is as hot as the sun. A woman's skin melts at the thought of him."
Apparently, the editors in Gotham are as corrupt as the police that will enter our story shortly. Seeing Vicki scantily attired would suggest she obtained her current position by getting in other positions with the aforementioned bastions of the Fourth Estate. Or an editor like Bob Schlock dying to work with ****FRANK MILLER!!!!!!**** and Jim Lee being so aroused that anything gets past their watch.
Anywho, she is interrupted in her latest attempt to join the ranks of Breslin, Royko, Woodward and Bernstein by a call from faithful butler Alfred, who states that Bruce Wayne requests her presence and requests of her availability. So anxious (or Schreck-like) is Vicki to accept this invitation that she performs COMIC BOOK CLICHE #137: Diving head-first into her closet, throwing out a boa, a glove and other miscellaneous articles of clothing. After a double page montage of modeling/trying on clothing (while poor Alfred--it's the same shot of him looking at his pocketwatch, so I'm not sure if he's waiting for a long time or timing her) Vicki is attired in a white strapless gown and gloves. She is advised by Alfred that they will be attending the circus, to the delight of Vicki, so entralled with going on a date with Bruce Wayne that she doesn't consider whether she is appropriately attired, or the consequences her outfit will have on the carnies working at the circus, or the locals attending.
We are then treating to our young lovers viewing the performance of Dick Grayson, who in the midst of which misses the swinging bar but catches it with a rope while falling. Bruce then indicates that he's had his eye on him for some time. Given what everybody reading and Vicki accidently juxtaposes in her column, are we to believe that Batman (sorry, fans, THE Batman) is looking to recruit for his vigilante activities? The same THE Batman we've read for years that acts like a classic Type A personality that refuses help from Robin, Nightwing, Oracle, Batgirl, Huntress, Azrael, etc. etc. in cleaning up "his city", with as much token resistance as a child refusing money from his grandparents because his parents told him to do so?
Then, the scene you've been waiting for happens: Dick's parents fall in mid-air to their deaths. Sorry, I've just been handed this: Dick's parents are shot as they are all taking their bows. Bruce does the obligatory "this boy has entered my world" narration and disappears, and happens upon a criminal leaving the scene who is then felled by something shot by THE Batman. What is it? Let him tell you:
(Okay, for some reason, THE Batman's captions are upper and lower cased. So WYSIWYG)
- Snake poison.
Turns out the stuff works.
I hope it's got some NASTY side effects.
As a matter of fact, I CHECKED.
It DOES. The killer will be pulling BUGS that aren't there out his EARS for a MONTH."
Okay, I don't anything about snake poison, but why is THE Batman hoping it's bad and then telling us it is and what it does? I should've titled this review "We read it so Bob Schreck doesn't have to".
Then ****FRANK MILLER!!!!!!**** thinks he's writing Sin City again, as a policeman tries to stop Vicki as she decides that she's a reporter now, and wishes to ply her trade by offering succor to the traumitized Dick Grayson. Well, at least she's plying her craft with the same degree of skill. The policeman then decides to stop Vicki by hitting her, apparently determing as so many superheroes in the past that although they are in a middle of a public venue, the people are so distracted by the chaos that they can do anything, such as change into their alter ego, or hit young women too fancifully dressed for a night at the Circus.
Fortunately Alfred conviently arrives as the local gendarmes are taking young Grayson away. Ms. Vale takes over the vehicle and asks for a camera to cover Dick's abduction Rodney King style, again confusing the basic requirements of her self-declared occupations. All the while doing the patented car flying in midair as it goes over a small hill, a page taken from Sin City.
Armchair Author Digression: If I may, if the purpose was to portray Vicki Vale similarly to Tim Burton's film Batman, where she is presented as a fashion photographer that has recently come into acclaim doing some photo-journalism, couldn't it have been better set up earlier by having her column pointing out the contrasts of Metropolis and Gotham City, and the heroes they have attracted? Maybe lay down some background of Gotham as corrupt? It might have been better than the writing we got. And it would it hurt too much to stop the repeating of the phrase "Man of Steel" and the accompanying innuendoes? Oh well, at least we got to see a woman in lingerie.) Digression ends.
Then there's some business of THE Batman saving Dick and telling him he's been drafted in a war, and it ends.
As with any continuing story, questions about. Such as what is the cunning plan that involves killing two entertainers in full performance and view of the audience, and abducting the third so clumsily that Jack Ruby would have criticized it as too unbelievable. One also wonders why someone as rich and so eligible that anyone would drop everything at a moment's notice to be with him as Bruce Wayne would go to the circus? Cause the scouting for talent's the only thing I've got here. Why--
No, I can't go on. No one at DC cares, they've got our money that we pledged two months ago, drooling at the prospect of reading THE Batman and Robin by ****FRANK MILLER!!!!!!**** and Jim Lee. And they will no doubt crow at the sales and money they've made from this, trumpeting it as a success.
But on the off chance you have not had a chance to buy this little gem yet (the 5 or so of you out there reading), might I suggest collecting the $2.99 Suggested Retail Price of this pamphlet in any demoniation you wish, go to your nearest toilet, and flush the money down however you like. You will enjoy parting with the money more that way than buying this comic.
